At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
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Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers