Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.