I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
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The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site
But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
I am now running out of paper towels.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”