[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
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Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
become ungovernable
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.