[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
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was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I want to meet the individual who made this
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Noted.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
you could not pay me to delete this app
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache