[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
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Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day