Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

[visiting hours at prison]

BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?

BEAR: I miss the woods.

BW: The tranquility?

BEAR: No, I really need a shit.

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how