*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
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No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
A bold strategy
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Great game to play with friends
Pandas 🐼🖤
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
🙀🙀🙀😹
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.