Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

emergency phone

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no