Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

me irl

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam