AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
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trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones