AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
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Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.