Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.