Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

Did my cat write this

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok