Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.