[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
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I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Well, this explains it:
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!