Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.