Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.