Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”