[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
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if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.