Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

peak technology

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

need him

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out