Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

Lol

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

Is anyone gonna tell them?

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

I beg your pardon?

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.