Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.