[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.