Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed