at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
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will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit