Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

Not today, today.
Not today.

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen