at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
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My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.