Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

My brain is a bad influence on me

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

My dad is at it again

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

This meeting could have been a cake

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.