Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

how it started vs how it ended

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along