Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FAFYJKtXsAEM0QS.mp4

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

“i miss shittin on people”

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!