At my grandmaโs house and just accidentally let out a โyall stop running in and outโ omg itโs over ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
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Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Me: If moths like light so much why havenโt they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
You donโt wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: Thatโs Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Justin Bieberโs career died for your sins.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothingโs wrong with her. Sheโs just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Van lifers be like โwe converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!โ
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him heโs wrong and you are positive their names are โBatman and Robertโ.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and Iโm not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Royโs the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Tonightโs rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yoโs bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Motherโs Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Weโre out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Had a nightmare Iโd gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreamsโฆ
Babe, youโre just perfect for me
Except that youโre married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Cats donโt understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uhโฆ You do know weโre at my house right?
The ants wonโt go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Fishing for compliments like โIโm a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is meโ.
Diet tip: If you think youโre hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.