Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

what does he know…

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

You’re not my real can

Its true…

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

Overindulged this afternoon.