Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”