At my grandmaโs house and just accidentally let out a โyall stop running in and outโ omg itโs over ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
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Son: Whatโs for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says โ#nofilterโ after every casually racist comment he makes.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
โBut dad weโre goldfishโ
Oh yeah, I forgot
โForgot what?โ
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: donโt worry โ itโs already dead
no their not
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Date: You shouldnโt be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, itโs bad for the environment
Date: Itโs just a weird way to eat spaghetti
The fact that there ainโt no rest for the wicked is probably why Iโm always so tired
OMG, I canโt believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
โฆSays the person whoโs out despite the stay at home orders.
โโฆso when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.โ
โEat human corpses?โ
[flashback to eating quinoa]
โYโฆyes.โ
My son went over to a friendโs house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 ๐
if you comment โi am so turned on right nowโ to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I like to yell โStranger danger!โwhenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
โhiโ
hi
โhereโs your eye backโ
thanks nice catch
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: youโre a murderer
me: what? no Iโm not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Iโm a postman, and when Iโm delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Friend: you should come over tonight. weโre watching โHow to Train Your Dragon 2โ
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Thank god itโs friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Me: yeah, Iโm not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.