Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

Flowers bee like

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

Muppet Screams

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses