At my grandmaโs house and just accidentally let out a โyall stop running in and outโ omg itโs over ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
You Might Also Like
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know whatโs going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Todayโs repast was magnifiquรฉ
MCDONALDโS CASHIER: what
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Telling my son he canโt stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age Iโd blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called โThe Old Volks Homeโ*
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
cyclists
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: Iโm asking mom.
Me: แตสฐ แตสฐแตโฟแต แตแตแต
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, weโre not going. Itโs enough just to know you would.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Me *on the phone*: Yeah itโs just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DONโT WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: Itโs for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
People think itโs embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but itโs way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
โParkourโ I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. Iโm really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot