Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

sensitive skin

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons