Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

Something Saturday.

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

You got this…

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet