[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
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I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.