Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.