Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok