at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
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me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
OMG 🤣🤣
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come