@IamEnidColeslaw

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

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@jonnysun

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

@FatherWithTwins

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

@AimeeHelene1

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

@UnFitz

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

@RodLacroix

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

@JohnLyonTweets

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

@feverboner

The worst thing about living in a haunted house is knowing damn well there was still some gin left before I blacked out and then waking up to see the ghosts finished all my gin.

@UnicornSyrup

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

@ClichedOut

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?