Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
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My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
The worst thing about living in a haunted house is knowing damn well there was still some gin left before I blacked out and then waking up to see the ghosts finished all my gin.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?