at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
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HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.