@KKBowls

[at my house after 1st date]

me: so, do you wanna have some sex?

her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass

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@2Saddington

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

@DillDoes

[Bar]
“What’ll you have”
Scotch
“You want it neat”
No thanks
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*
Thanks

@themiltron

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

@TheBoydP

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

@offbeatoliv

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

@BoomBoomBetty

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: make her feel wanted

{later}

me: [puts bounty on her]

@squirrel74wkgn

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

@GirlPosts

me to my husband: please hold me, the stress is not good for the baby

husband: ??? what baby

me: me. im the baby