…and now, a public service announcement from Keanu Reeves…
[at my house after 1st date]
me: so, do you wanna have some sex?
her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass
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Holy crap! This guy in the car next to me is absolutely losing his shit over “My Heart Will Go On”…said the guy in the car next to me
Texts friend: sorry, I’m running late.
Friend: no problem, let me know when you’re on your way.
[ 6 weeks later]
Ok I’ve left.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.