Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[at my house after 1st date]
me: so, do you wanna have some sex?
her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass
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“What’ll you have”
“You want it neat”
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: make her feel wanted
me: [puts bounty on her]
[at movie theatre]
Me (whispers): …it
me to my husband: please hold me, the stress is not good for the baby
husband: ??? what baby
me: me. im the baby