“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
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Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’