@KKBowls

[at my house after 1st date]

me: so, do you wanna have some sex?

her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass

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@ScorpionDong

Holy crap! This guy in the car next to me is absolutely losing his shit over “My Heart Will Go On”…said the guy in the car next to me

@Jen_says_nah

Texts friend: sorry, I’m running late.

Friend: no problem, let me know when you’re on your way.

[ 6 weeks later]
Ok I’ve left.

@causticbob

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

@copymama

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

@Cheeseboy22

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

@Darlainky

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

@kathybotteas

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

@LindaInDisguise

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.