@KKBowls
[at my house after 1st date]
me: so, do you wanna have some sex?
her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass
@2Saddington
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
@DillDoes
[Bar]
“What’ll you have”
Scotch
“You want it neat”
No thanks
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*
Thanks
@themiltron
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
@TheBoydP
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
@offbeatoliv
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
@BoomBoomBetty
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
@PhillyD
@tweetsbyrocket
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: make her feel wanted
{later}
me: [puts bounty on her]
@squirrel74wkgn
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
@GirlPosts
me to my husband: please hold me, the stress is not good for the baby
husband: ??? what baby
me: me. im the baby
