[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
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That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself