Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show