[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
You Might Also Like
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.