[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
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{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats