Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans:

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

guilty

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.