At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
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Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying