Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.