Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

SQUARREL

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

LOL

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.