At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
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Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Sign at work today
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.