At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
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Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I like crazy people until they notice me
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?