At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
You Might Also Like
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.