at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
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It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.