Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.