Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

I’m not proud

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.