At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
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got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn鈥檛 do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would鈥檝e made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the 拢100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven鈥檛 seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I鈥檇 send him a picture of me with the money.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you鈥檝e got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 馃き
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
People are waiting for flying cars and I鈥檓 just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
If I ever run into my doppelg盲nger I’m going to steal his liver.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She鈥檚 a very lovely whatever the hell she is.