At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
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I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass