at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
