Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

Seals are just dog mermaids.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

Huge, if true.

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)