Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

When your diet is finally over.

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

I’m an avid indoorsman.

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art