[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
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Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.