at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
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Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
dogs can find happiness so easily
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.