at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
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Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
birds and squirrels envy us
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
(more comics:
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
