at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
This guy’s not having it 😆
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
