Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.