Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
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[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies