@underchilde

[At neighbor’s barbecue]

Neighbor: How would you like your steak?

Me: At my house with no any company.

You Might Also Like

@LuvPug

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

@LindaSuePark

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

@WOLF_Financial

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

@JerpsBerps

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

@Fred_Delicious

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

@RaineyKnight666

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

@skedaddle74

Idk if I wanna be a person anymore… kinda wanna be that naked garden gnome in my neighbors yard..

@fro_vo

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

@ShortSleeveSuit

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

@Stella1070

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.