*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[At neighbor’s barbecue]
Neighbor: How would you like your steak?
Me: At my house with no any company.
You Might Also Like
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.
Idk if I wanna be a person anymore… kinda wanna be that naked garden gnome in my neighbors yard..
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.