At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
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People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
This one, by a wide margin
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
wow he looks just like him
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea