Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east