Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?