Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

Cndnsd Mlk

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what