°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume